I'm really feeling my age this autumn. And it's a good thing, it really is. There has been sadness, rage and tremendous relief. The Samhain season, and all its implications, has been in full force around these hills as of late. My best buddy, of the furry kind, died after more than 14 years of companionship and love. Our parakeet, who lived a long life of ten years, died a few days later. Another part-time indoor kitty disappeared and, presumably, went off to die alone. These deaths weren't exactly unexpected but sad all the same. And there have many other things, situations, trials, attitudes and habits dying as well.
If you've followed my blog for very long you're probably aware of the junkie problem we've been suffering for several years now. Well, that is now over and we are free. I won't bore you with the gory family details but I will say that now that the melodramatic screaming is over and most of the moving is done I, and the rest of family, feel a whole helluva lot better. There are still some serious issues to be dealt with and worried over and eventually - hopefully - worked out. But the energy level and the over all vibe of my home is vastly improved.
It's as if an enormous weight has been removed from my shoulders. It's as if the foot that was driving me, and my family, into the ground is gone and gone forever. And now that we are free of the destructive toxicity of overwhelming greed, endless lies, disloyalty, selfishness and thoughtlessness we are learning to live again. The world looks and feels different to me now that I can stand up straight and see with clear eyes. I know it's really me that's done the changing. It's as if my senses, my creativity and my magical sensibilities are waking up after several years of a depression so deep I didn't think I could ever dig my way out of it.
My old tendency to self-pity is mostly gone now. It's a time and energy wasting activity that accomplishes nothing worthwhile. The sweet, sensitive girl is long, long gone. In place of the Maiden is a much harder bitch goddess. The trials of the last few years, as painful and frustrating as they were, have toughened me up quite a lot. I don't even take much medication anymore. It's as if I really have gone through the fire and come out stronger for it. Horrible cliche that, but it's true.
I've been noticing a few white hairs lately and am slowly moving into the Alpha female position in my family. It's strange and yet completely expected and, in a weird way, fascinating. I've become firmly ensconced in the ranks of adulthood and am enjoying my membership in the club. I don't have actual children of my own. But I am the caregiver of my family. I'm the one who runs the household and makes sure everyone eats and has clean clothes, clean beds, etc. I said farewell to the Maiden some time ago, I know. Now I think I'm ready for the next step. Welcome to the Mother.
