Control

Idris over at House of Inanna recently wrote a blog post that really got my motor running about something I've been mulling over for a lot of years: control. Here's Idris:

Children had to [be] forced to the truth - and schools were created whose sole purpose was to break this natural urge to move to delight and love and force them to bend their knees to will of old and woman-denying men.

The above kicked me closer toward a conclusion that's been growing in the back of my head for most of my adult life: everything really is about control. It's not sex, it's not money or love, etc.; those things aren't secondary necessarily but are things to have control over. Starkhawk was/is very wise to discuss the idea of power over in her writings. (I really need to get her books off my dusty bookshelf!) And she's totally correct.

You know who else is correct? The BDSM crowd and the psychological folks: in every relationship there are dominant personalities and the submissive, weaker personalities. And some people just don't know when to quit or when to stand up and start. There are control freaks and those who don't want to be controlled by others but also can't or won't make hard decisions and stand by them.

The power hungry I can't really say much about other than that they've got serious ego issues that can, and often do, involve the domination of millions. They are of a breed largely unknown to me. I can only assume that those who feel the need to control many others are themselves very low in the self-esteem department and somehow think that if they dictate the actions of others than their own will be perfect. Or something.

Now the regular everyday controlling, bossy people are different. They like to keep their ducks in a row and have a handle on their particular situation. And I get that, I really do. Some people make better leaders than others. Some people are better under pressure and can make better decisions. And that's all well and good. My problem with some controlling people is their amazing ability to make everyone around them feel like stupid, barely evolved children who don't even have thumbs let alone the capacity for critical thought. I guess the only thing to do in that situation is to just ask them to lay off. At least, that's what I usually do.

As far as the rest goes, I've heard the phrase "passive aggressive" and always thought it was just a bunch of shit. I used to think, and I still do in part, that those who accuse others of being passive aggressive are just pissed cuz they don't get to rule the playground. And that is true, in one sense. But as I've gotten older I've learned that being passive aggressive can also be a wimpy, whiny ass way of doing your own thing while pretending to do what you know is best. And it's mostly a control and ego issue. There's a line in a Fiona Apple song that goes: "Do I wanna do right, of course. But do I really wanna feel I'm forced to answer you, hell no." And I completely understand that!

We've all got our own opinions and ideas and sometimes it's really damned hard to follow through on a stupid idea assigned by someone else. But being passive aggressive is agreeing to do something to a person's face and then doing something different once they've gone. Instead of having the guts to disagree with that person at the start the passive aggressive turd says one thing and does another. Passive aggressive people are experts at being two-faced. I oughta know, I've been one and occasionally still suffer relapses.

As I move further into the firey stage of my life I'm doing the passive aggressive schtick less and less. No, I'd much rather point out how wrong you are to begin with so I don't have to go through the charade of following your stupid orders. I'd much rather do that than add more bullshit to the already overflowing bullshit supply to be found in this world. I guess for many of us it's just a matter of age, experience and strength of character. I'm coming up with all kinds of new mottoes or mantras lately. My most recent is: I will not tolerate bullshit from others or myself.