Lack of Cycles

I've never had anything in my life that could be called a cycle. I don't seem to have any kind of internal clock that regulates either sleep, menstrual periods, mood, energy or anything that's supposed to follow a regular time frame. Humans have all kinds of clocks that just don't seem to function properly for me. Most of it's wrapped up in my head: chemicals that aren't produced in the appropriate amount or messages that don't get sent through the proper connections.

For instance, we are supposed to have an internal clock that regulates sleep and, usually, makes us want to sleep at night and be up and about during the day. I've never had this. I've always preferred being awake at night but never known, from day to day, if I would be. One day I'll be awake for 20 hours straight and sleep all day and the next I'll sleep 8 hours during the night and be up 18 hours during the day and the next I'll sleep 12 hours through the afternoon and night and wake up at 3 in the morning and be up 'til the next afternoon. And I've always been like this. Even during the times of my life when I had a regular job or regular classes I didn't have a normal sleeping schedule. I could work or study at the same hours day after day and my hours of sleep could still vary by as many as 4 to 6 hours or more.

I've never had a regular menstrual cycle either. (If you're a squeamish man who likes to pretend women don't bleed I'd recommend skipping this paragraph.) I got my first period a month after I turned 10 and the most regular I've ever been was when I was around the age of 15; I would bleed every 40-60 days. For those first ten years I would have such horrible menstrual cramps that I'd miss school and spend a day in bed moaning and crying and puking, but I could never predict when this would happen and never plan my life around it. My periods only got weirder as I got older; I've had a period last 9 months and I've gone over a year and a half with no period at all. And I'm only 32 so it's not menopause; it's just hormone weirdness.

I've never had anything approaching a predictable energy level or mood either. One day I'm bouncing off the walls and dancing to the music and the next I can barely drag myself up to take care of the basic necessities of the day. I can be writing away and grinning like an idiot for several days in a row and then damn near suicidal for the next few weeks. Bipolar really is a bitch, no other way to say it, and I don't even have the more serious form of it. I can't imagine what it's like for those whose bipolar forces them into hospitalization.

Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about all that, I came to talk about the moon. What all this has been leading up to is a theory I've recently thunked up. I think a large part of my attraction to the moon is its predictable cycle: new and dark, waxing, full, waning, new and dark, rinse and repeat. No matter what crazy shit my mind and body are up to I can always count on the moon to be doing its thing in the same steady patten it's been following for millions of years.

Even if my sleeping "schedule" has kept me from seeing her for a while I can always count on the moon to be in the phase I'm expecting. No matter how hyper and tense and nervous or depressed and sluggish I feel I can always look up and know what the moon is doing. The moon is beautiful, luminous, inspirational and dependable. She has, and always will be, a great comfort to me. Luna is the ultimate goddess.