26 June 2011

Rockin' with The Raconteurs

I can't get enough of these guys. Made up of Jack White, Brendon Benson and two members of the Greenhornes, Jack Lawrence and Patrick Keeler, this band rocks my world. I can best and most succinctly describe them as just good all around feel good rock. And that fits into my mood. I had a good dream about my brother in which he told me he was alright and now I'm feeling better about things than I have in a while. So, here, have some good rock music from The Raconteurs and feel good with me for a few minutes.

24 June 2011

Green Solace

We've had some luscious weather around these hills lately and I've been enjoying frequent inhalations of fresh, green air.  The days are filled with sunshine and cool breezes while the calls of a wondrous variety of birds float through the air and into the open windows. The nights are filled with seemingly a million lightning bugs putting on their beautiful show and just as many frogs and musical bugs belting out their songs.  Along with the occasional coyote calls and yips and our local bats the nights are always magical around here. I've always thought this place was blessed with its own kind of energies and I'm glad to say that my recent losses haven't deadened me to the point wherein I can't feel it anymore. I know it's there, I feel it, I just feel somewhat removed from it. Separated.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving this weather and I wish these nice temperatures would hold out, but I'm just not the same person I once was. Loss has changed me, damaged me in some ways.  And I know these cooler days won't last. It will eventually get blistering hot. But for now, I'm soaking in the delicious air and I'm gazing longingly and lingeringly at the stars and burning the image of the sun into my closed eyes.  I'm trying to remember all the good things in my life. I'm clutching my good memories tight to me and holding on for dear life some of the time. But I'm laughing some of the time too. The sunlight on my face, the wind in my hair, the green that surrounds me, the birds, the bugs and all of it, they are helping.

19 June 2011

Grief at Litha

Here it is mid-June and my eagerness for all things summertime is at an all-time low.  My strongest feelings about anything related to the heat is my hatred for the insects. Other than that, I'm just not all that interested or excited. I'm not interested in planting flowers or gardening. Not interested in fixing up the yard or setting up the pool. I've battled depression in my life before but the pain of grief is relatively new to me. Up until January I'd never lost anyone truly close to me. And the grief of that loss, and others, has sapped me of almost all enthusiasm. I don't want to pick up a book, don't want to make a collage, don't want to talk a walk.  About all I can summon the interest and energy to do is basic housework, watch tv, engage in various internet activities and download/listen to music. I guess there are worse ways to spend one's time but I'm just not all that productive these days.

I am trying. I've started blogging again which I think could be a good thing. I've done some late spring cleaning and I've nearly killed myself in the heat a few times as I'm very sensitive to it. But I haven't helped in that garden or really created anything new lately. I don't feel up to marking Litha with anything special, big or small. I wish I did, but I just don't. If I can get myself to light a candle that will be big deal. I guess it'll just take time to feel like working magic again, and I'm hopeful. I know that surely I've got to keep feeling a little better every day. I know it. I just wish I could hurry up and feel okay. I wish time could pass swiftly and get to a point where I don't have to remind myself of all I've lost and hurt like hell when I do.

11 June 2011

Saturday Poetry Blogging

I'm shamelessly stealing this idea from the brilliant Hecate. The following is one of my favorites from Emily Dickinson. I've always been drawn to her poetry for several reasons: her poems are mostly short and sweet and that appeals to me. Her poetry also reveals a sense of humor and a love of nature, two things I can easily get behind. All in all, she's probably my favorite female poet. Enjoy.

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell!
They'd banish -- you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

10 June 2011

Return to Magic

I've had a lot of shit go down in recent years and as it progressed, and got worse, I worked magic less and less. Now, as I look back, I realize I haven't worked magic in over 3 years. I've spoken to the moon, I've prayed, I've begged mercy of the gods but I haven't lit candles and gathered tools, raised and focused energy or any of it in ages. I wonder if I even remember how to do it; I imagine (hope) it's like riding a bike and it will come back to me. It's going to take some rehabilitation to get me back in the swing of things. I feel the need to brush up on just about everything. I feel the need to read through lots of funky spells on Lucky Mojo. I feel the need to gather all my magical tools, my gemstones and minerals, my candles, my mojo bags and all my stuff and just start creating. I'm so far gone I don't even have a particular goal in mind. I just feel the need to do something and reclaim my status as the witch of the family.

It's funny how sorrow and rage and grief can just totally bog me down so that I no longer feel capable of working magic. It's been as if so much of my attention has been focused on all the bad stuff happening in recent years that I forgot I could take steps to improve it. Or maybe I've been hurting so bad that I felt no amount of magic could make any difference. There's a lot of reasons tied up with the issue I suppose. There's only so many lies, and instances of theft, and general shitty treatment this witch can take before my magical conduit to the stars/gods/spirits gets clogged up with pain.

I'm hoping this will soon change. I feel the need to empower myself even if I just do a small candle spell or something else simple and sweet. I'm not ready for a full out, scripted, choreographed ritual, not that I've ever done many of those anyway. I want, no, I need simplicity more than ever. If I try to overdo it I may just scare myself away from doing magic at all. But first it's off to study, to read, to learn and soak up some magical information and maybe get some inspiration. Here I go!